To Be A Superzero

So you've decided to begin a new career moonlighting as a super-hero? Good, good.

You'll need to do a few things:

First, become colour blind. That's the only way you're going to able to tolerate the garishness of...

...your outfit. Here you need to get used to wearing your underpants over your trousers, of course, but that's minor. What you really, really need is colours that shriek out to the sky and burn retinas at a thousand kilometres. Make sure they don't have an iota of taste. That's vital.

Then you need to get used to wearing clothes so skin-tight they look like they've been sprayed on. What's that? You don't have a body like Herr Gropenfuehrer Arnold Schwarzenegger in his steroid days? Worry not, worry not. You'll have a lot of padding in the lining to simulate muscles where no muscles have ever gone before, ever in the history of human anatomy. And of course let me not forget the cape. What do you need a stupid drag-producing cape for? Well...every superhero must have one, except Spiderman. It's, like, the uniform of the fraternity.

After this you need a gimmick. Like X ray vision, but that's been done, as has web slinging. Well, no shortage of material I guess. How about a death ray that makes anyone you hit spontaneously turn into nuclear fissionable material? No? What's the matter - don't you want a chain of nuclear blasts marking your progress as you cut your way through the armies of the night?

Speaking of the armies of the night, a juvenile sidekick, though not essential, might be a good idea. if your superpowers ever fail, you know...he just might come cut the ropes to set you free. Assuming you don't use the knife you're carrying under your cape, that is.

And get a vehicle while you're about it. Specifications: far out, far out, far out. The more bizarre the better. Of course, if you can fly, you won't need a vehicle, but not everyone can.

Now you need a really stupid shtick so no one guesses your identity... like a "mask" that covers less of your face than your regulation John Lennon spectacles. So when you go into the loo as yourself and come out as Sharkman or whatever, no one recognises you. And trust me, they won't.

Can you arrange for a really moronic villain to pit yourself against? Someone guaranteed to fuck up, every single time, even when victory stares him in the face? Like the Indian cricket team, for example?

All right, now you're ready to go fight the forces of evil. So let's get you a ticket to...

How does the War Of Terror sound? Don't worry, you won't have to do a thing. Al Qaeda isn't going to fight you.

When they see you, they're going to die laughing.