The Consultant's Report

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                                        SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL                  

To

H E Artless

Secretary, Grand Shopping Mall

Superabad

India

Sub: Marketing strategies for your new mall.

Sir,

As per your commission, my firm has conducted a study of how to pitch your mall towards maximising the returns from your target market. Appended is our detailed report for your perusal. However, in this letter, I would like the opportunity to sum up the salient points for your benefit.

First, I suggest that you must make your mall look exclusive. It’s in any case true that the mall will only cater to the rich – the upper middle and upper classes. So, it would be foolish and unproductive to throw your gates open to those who cannot buy anything and will just increase your cleaning bills and your wear and tear.

Therefore, we suggest that you restrict entry to your mall to those demonstrably capable of purchasing your merchandise. The easiest way of doing this is by making it compulsory to show one’s credit card at the entrance. Only those with credit cards should be allowed access. If it could be managed, it would be very good if you could make it compulsory for all purchases to be paid for with credit cards, but as far as I know this is probably against government regulations. Still, as we know, the current government is friendly towards progressive business interests and credit card companies could be asked to lobby hard to allow such regulations at least for malls catering to the empowered sections.

We are aware that this strategy (restricting entry to credit card holders) was tried before and did not work, because of objections from certain sections of the population and from left-wing anti-national elements it would be pointless to name. But in our opinion the failure of that brave and farsighted attempt was more due to incorrect marketing strategy than anything else.

In our opinion, the correct strategy should have been pitched differently for the targeted crowd and the general populace. While the targeted population should be reassured of its exclusiveness, to be made to feel that the mall’s throwing open its doors to them is a statement of faith in their financial security and a reward for their financial success, the rest of the people shouldn’t be made to feel excluded. The rich should be told that there is no need for them to rub shoulders with the dirty, untidy common folk, that this is theirs, a consumer’s paradise, just for them and for people like them. The rest, though, even though they may not have a hope in hell of ever being able to enter through the gates, must not be made to feel neglected. You can always claim that this is actually a good thing for the others – it gives them a goal to aspire to. If the only way to enter the portals of your shopper’s paradise is to acquire the credit cards that are your entry ticket, it makes sense for people to work hard enough and earn enough to afford credit cards. So, excluding non-card holders makes it a positive thing for the economy. It promotes long term economic growth.

We hardly need to point out that the words “economic growth” are engraved in gold on the hearts of the current government, and anything that professes to promote economic growth will resonate well with them. And since the media can be easily co-opted with the same slogan, the media will also back any such move by you. A few discreetly bribed editors should do the trick.

It may be that some unregenerate left-wing pinkos may ask the question of where the poor are supposed to shop until they can afford the credit cards they must aspire to. If they do, we suggest that you point out that a branch of Wal-Mart is supposed to open in this city at some time in the future. The poor, you may suggest, can go to the Wal.

Secondly, the importance of proper packaging can’t be overemphasized. The issue of government support must be kept in mind. This government will support anything that backs up its policies. Since the thrust of this government’s current policy is to force through the Nuclear Deal, and since the rationale is increased demand for power, you should emphasise the extremely high power consumed by malls like yours and how such drivers of the economy demand high amounts of power. The government will readily uphold you as an example of why the Nuclear Deal is necessary.

As a part of this strategy, high energy consumption is essential; please ensure large, power-intensive displays and billboards that consume the maximum amount of electricity that can be managed. Economy in electricity is not the right way to go about this. Please don’t be concerned about high electricity bills. You do not have to pay them at all, if the government is on your side. And with the strategy we are outlining, it will be.

Thirdly, we are sure you must be aware that there will be resistance from reactionary left wing elements to the mall. This must be handled in two ways. First, media sources must be paid off so as to belittle the opponents as anti-nationals and Luddites who oppose economic development. Please do not skimp the fund meant to “educate” editors and journalists. Also, please ensure low level menial jobs to local families who might otherwise join in protests against the mall. These jobs will break up the unity of the opposition, and after the mall is established the concerned individuals can be quietly dismissed. We are, naturally, assuming that you have no intention of allowing any sort of effective employees’ union to come into existence.  

Fourthly, since the Tata Group is the reigning economic power behind the current throne, we would advise you to invite Mr Ratan Tata to formally inaugurate the mall. Anything Mr Tata does is automatically news. His influence on the media is so great that even his blunders and his bending of laws and ethics double are treated as immense personal triumphs. If he either inaugurates the mall or makes a symbolic purchase, you would get immediate media attention.

Fifthly, America resonates with your targeted demographic. We would suggest you design the mall round the US as a theme, with American flags prominently displayed and US resident George W Bush’s portrait with India’s current Prime Minister on as many walls as possible. This will also garner further government support.     

With all these actions, as discussed in greater detail in the main report attached, we can be reasonably sure that you can market the mall to your target group and gain sympathetic media attention and government support at the same time.

We would, of course, draw your attention to our bill, also attached. It may seem to you high, but as per the terms of your brief we believe, not excessive. After all, you are going to fleece the population and the economy, and we don’t see why you shouldn’t pass on a fraction of that to us.

                                                                              Yours sincerely

                                                                     S. Liz Ball

                                                                     Chairperson

                                                                     Moneybags and  Associates

                                                                     Marketing Consultants.

Birdbrain In The Bush and Beard Gets Bush-y

From 2005:

BIRDBRAIN IN THE BUSH

Scene: A room in a US Army base in Baghdad, Iraq. Cheap modular chairs are arranged in rows. About a dozen SOLDIERS in uniform are sitting on them. They include one black, JACKSON, one Latino, HERNANDEZ, one Japanese American, SATO, an Indian, KUMAR, and even one middle-aged Iraqi in a blue uniform. A WOMAN who looks like an executive from a TV network walks among them with a microphone.

At one side of the room are several TV cameras and a large plasma TV set, the screen of which is currently blank. At a table behind the cameras sits an officer, COLONEL MITCHELL, and a couple of G-MEN in black suits.

As the curtain lifts, the TV WOMAN is speaking.

TV WOMAN: …now, I’ll be giving you the microphone, Harris. What do you do?

HARRIS: I give a big grin.

MITCHELL (sotto voce, to G-MEN): He’s got an excellent set of teeth.

WOMAN: Right. And after you’ve said your piece, you…?

HARRIS: I give it to Jackson?

WOMAN: Only if he asks about the heat. If he asks about the war on terror, you pass it to…Mason, is that right?

MANSON: Manson. [Flexes his heavily tattooed biceps] And then I do this?

G-MAN (to MITCHELL): Do you really think this is going to go all right?

MITCHELL: Don’t worry, they’ve been very carefully selected.

WOMAN (to MANSON): Just casually. Don’t make a production out of it. [To HARRIS] But if he asks about the food, you pass it to Casco, who praises it. Right?

CASCO [The fattest man present]: If you say so…

WOMAN: I do. All right, everyone, here he comes!

[All the SOLDIERS spring to attention in sitting position, facing the screen, except for the IRAQI, who looks around, bewildered. The TV screen flickers to life. BUSH’S face appears.]

WOMAN [brightly]: Well, boys, look who’s here! Welcome, Mr. President!

BUSH: I just dropped in for a warm meal.

VOICE [heard offscreen, audible only to BUSH and the audience]: No, you fool, that was last time.

BUSH [looking petulant]: It got them cheering last time, didn’t it?

VOICE: You’re not even in the country right now.

BUSH: Yeah, what I meant was, mission accomplished, right?

VOICE: No, that was the other time, on the carrier. You forgot your flight suit.

BUSH: I had other things to think about, like my popularity ratings. This mission had better be accomplished, and fast. I need some victories to throw in the goddamn liberals’ faces. [To SOLDIERS] Well, boys, what shall we talk about?

WOMAN: Whatever you like, Mr. President. We’re at your service.

BUSH (eagerly): Really? Anyone here knows to teach me how to ride a Segway?

VOICE (wearily): Not that type of service.

BUSH: Oh. OK. How’s the war on terror going?

WOMAN [giving microphone to MANSON]: Here’s a brave soldier you can ask yourself, Mr. President. Corporal Manson.

BUSH: Hey, soldier!

MANSON: Sir!

BUSH: Y’all know why y’all are fighting terrorists, don’t you? Why we’re in Eye-rack?

MANSON: Because they hate our freedoms, sir! Because we’re spreading democracy, sir!

BUSH: And avenging nine-eleven. And God’s words to me. Remember that.

MANSON; Avenging nine-eleven, sir! God’s words, sir!

BUSH: D’ya think y’all are making worthwhile sacrifices in Eye-rack? Y’all know them liberals want y’all out.

MANSON: Yes, sir! We’re making progress, sir! And we’ll stay here until the job is done, sir! Otherwise the blood we shed will be shed in vain, sir!

MITCHELL (sotto voce): Well coached.

BUSH: Good, tell me about the last bunch of terrorists y’all killed.

MANSON: Yesterday, sir! I was at a checkpoint when this here car came up, sir! And I thought it was lookin’ kinda funny, you see, being old and rusty and all, not like a good honest American car, so I opened fire, sir! And afterwards we found only an old man and a pregnant woman in the car, and I thought I’d made a screw-up, but, ya see, it was all right, they musta been terrorists, because the officers…

WOMAN [snatching microphone, with bright smile]: Thank you, Corporal Manson. Now what would you like to ask, Mr. President?

BUSH: Can y’all tell me what signs of progress y’all can see in Eye-rack?

WOMAN: Private First Class Sato.

SATO: Yes, well, this country was in terrible shape when we came in, Mr. President. I mean, these people had nothing, you could walk ten blocks, and not spot a McDonald’s. Now, of course, we can’t actually walk ten blocks any more, but we got one right here on the base.

BUSH: That’s great! Now that’s a blow for freedom. Isn’t that right?

SATO: Yes, sir. Now, my grandma, she was in a camp for the Nisei in the war. But then she didn’t know that Coke is the American way, sir! What’s good for Halliburton is good for the nation!

BUSH: Fine, fine. How’s the heat?

SATO [confused, looks around helplessly]: Er…

WOMAN [taking microphone]: Lance Corporal Jackson would like to answer that question.

BUSH [eyeing JACKSON distrustfully]: Well, boy, I mean, soldier? Hot enough for you?

JACKSON: It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

BUSH: Where are y’all from, anyways?

JACKSON: New Orleans.

BUSH: You don’t say? And what do y’all think of them looters, huh? Robbing good hard working folk’s stores?

JACKSON: They should’ve been shot, sir! They’re a disgrace to the nation and to the African-American community, sir!

MITCHELL [sotto voce]: We pick ‘em well for these things. Even the nignogs. Don’t worry.

BUSH: And y’all got any complaints about the armour y’all got?

JACKSON: Sir –

WOMAN: Sergeant Harris here is all eager to answer that.

HARRIS [with big grin]: Yes, sir! We have to go to war with the army we have, not the one we wish we had, sir!

BUSH: And it’s better to fight ‘em in Eye-rack, not at home, right?

HARRIS [looking troubled]: Really, sir? You think these insurgents might go attack Broken Ridge, Tennessee, otherwise?

WOMAN [hurriedly]: Mr. President, Hernandez here is ready to answer that.

BUSH: So long as we fight the terrorists in Eye-rack we aren’t fighting ‘em in the US, hey?

HERNANDEZ: Si, Senor El Presidente. We fight here an’ terrorist don’t go kill people in America. Maybe not in Puerto Rico either.

BUSH: Y’all know the liberal abortionist groups are calling for you to leave?

HERNANDEZ: Si, Senor, el padre he say abortion, eet ees…muy bad. He say abortion an’ condom work of el Devil. Gay, too.

BUSH: Good, I’m glad we think alike on that. I see we have all sorts of people here. Who’s that over there in the corner?

WOMAN: That’s our Corporal Kumar, Mr. President. From India.

BUSH: Huh, no kidding, India, eh? Glad t’see y’all in the fight for freedom. Didn’t know we had Indians in this army. Thought they didn’t want to send troops to Eye-rack.

KUMAR: Well, I joined for the citizenship. Otherwise I’d have to wait years.

WOMAN (prompting): And to take part in the war on terror.

KUMAR (hastily): Yes, that too. Every day I tell myself that I’m helping freedom by fighting here. And to those who say I’m a stooge for the Americans, I say, better be a stooge for the Americans than a free man in Bombay. America is the leader of the world, I tell them. And its President is the greatest man in the world.

BUSH: And aren’t y’all proud that y’all liberated the Eye-rackis from that Saddam?

[An explosion is faintly heard in the distance.]

WOMAN: As to that, sir, we have with us an actual Iraqi soldier who’s going to tell us how happy he is to be a part of the war on terror. [Shoves microphone in Iraqi’s face.]

IRAQI: I not spik English.

WOMAN: That’s all right, I’ll translate. What do you want to know, Mr. President?

BUSH: Ask the rag…I mean brave Iraqi ally if he’s happy about our being in Eye-rack.

WOMAN: (translates into Arabic)

IRAQI (in Arabic): Happy? I fought the Iranians for years to stop them from taking us over, and then you ask me if I’m happy to see Americans here, lording it over us, and acting as though they want to stay forever?

WOMAN: He says he thinks we should stay here for ever to protect his country from the Iranians.

BUSH: Damned right! Now isn’t that just what them liberals should hear. They’d sing a different tune then! What does he think of the new democracy?

IRAQI: What is this democracy where the Kurds and Shias get everything, the Sunnis nothing, and the government can’t get out of bed in the morning without Halliburton’s permission?

WOMAN: He thinks it’s very nice the Kurds and Shias are getting their rights and living as equals with the Sunnis, and the government’s being guided by Halliburton in the right direction. He…

[A louder explosion rattles the windows.]

BUSH: What was that?

WOMAN: Oh, just thunder. It’s the rainy season here.

BUSH: Ask him if he’s happy we liberated him from tyranny.

IRAQI (angrily): My little son was kidnapped for ransom, and I had to pay my life’s savings to get him back. My daughter wanted to be a teacher in college, but she can’t go out now without a veil without being threatened by local goons. We have no water or electricity at home, I had to take up this job to survive, and you call this liberation from tyranny? Even that butcher Saddam would have put things right in a week!

G-MAN (to MITCHELL): Get that raghead to Abu Ghraib as soon as this is over.

MITCHELL (to G-MAN): Consider it done.

WOMAN (to BUSH): Certainly he is, Mr. President. He says his daughter’s going to become a teacher, his son’s been liberated from captivity, he’s going to have water and electricity restored in his house, and Saddam was a butcher who would have killed everyone in a week. He says he joined the new Iraqi army to serve and protect the democracy which wouldn’t survive otherwise.

BUSH: And are his fellow soldiers ready to take up their combat responsibilities?

IRAQI: Ready to cut my throat if I look away for a second. And we’re always in the first line when we attack a liberated city. Without even proper armour and helmets!

WOMAN: Yes, they’re razor-sharp and they’re eager to fight their way into the terrorist-controlled areas. They don’t even need armour and helmets.

BUSH: Now isn’t that the best goddamn shootin’ thing I’ve heard all day. Even the liberals can’t say that ain’t a good thing I’ve done in Eye-rack. God’s gonna be mighty pleased with me, I can tell ya. Are y’all ready an’ eager to go fight the good fight in Eye-ran after this, boys? And after that we’re gonna take out that there See-rear guy, what’s his name…

WOMAN: You mean Bashar Assad of Syria, Mr. President.

BUSH: Yeah, that Ass-it. We’re gonna see his rear! Y’all good an’ ready to go spread freedom and democracy there, huh? Are y’all ready to stay in them foreign lands a few more years to fight for democracy, boys?

SOLDIERS (together, without enthusiasm): Yes, sir!

BUSH: That’s right! Wish them bleedin’ heart terrorist lovin’ liberals could’ve seen all this. I’m sure God’s mighty pleased with ya all, boys.

[Terrific explosion, roof falls in. Darkness, silence, dust clouds rise]

(CURTAIN)

*****************************************************************************************

[Taliban regulation (as quoted in Taliban: the Story of the Afghan Warlords, by Ahmed Rashid): The criminals (i.e. those men who are clean shaven or with short beards, which means shorter than the length of a fist) will be taken and imprisoned until their beard gets bushy.]

SCENE: The Oval Office. As the curtain lifts, George W BUSH is seen throwing darts at a board hanging on the wall bearing a photograph of Venezuelan President Hugo CHAVEZ. On the desk before him, which but for a telephone or two is otherwise empty, is a bottle half full of a suggestively amber liquid and an empty glass.

Enter CHENEY.

BUSH, seeing CHENEY, hurriedly grabs the bottle and shoves it under the desk. There comes a faint tinkle of breaking glass.

BUSH: Hell! I mean, heck!

CHENEY: Drinking again, Junior?

BUSH: No, damn it, I’m fighting for freedom. (Throws a dart, which misses the board altogether and falls to the floor)

CHENEY: By throwing darts at a photo of Chavez? Besides, I can see the glass, there.

BUSH (irritably): That’s my medicine. My doctor tells me I need that medicine to keep me fighting fit. And I’m a war president so I have to be fit to fight the war. Besides, that Shave-izz guy is Al Qaeda, ain’t he?

CHENEY: No, he’s not.

BUSH: Come on, even your pet reporters are now tellin’ me Al Qaeda guys no longer keep beards. You seen that Shave-izz guy. Does he have a beard? No. What more proof do you need?

CHENEY: But neither you nor I have beards.

BUSH: That’s different, ya know, God appointed me President of these here United States. He didn’t tell me, "George, y’all go and grow a beard." The day he says that, I’ll grow one. Now, that Shave-izz – he’s an evildoer at least, ain’t he?

CHENEY: Yeah, he is that. Givin’ cut price gas to them Katerina jigaboos and white trash down New Orleans way last winter. Bechtel and Exxon and the rest are still howlin’ at the loss of profits they took.

BUSH: All right, we’ll take him out, just as soon the job’s over out in Eye-rack.

CHENEY: What job are we talkin’ about? The oil? You oughta tell me that at least, Junior. You know the oil’s got to begin flowing. What job?

BUSH: My job, of course. Once I leave this here office, the way I got it figgered, God’s gonna go with me. After that what happens in Eye-rack or Af-gun-iz-tun isn’t my business, or his.

CHENEY (looking suspiciously at the little pool of fluid leaking out from under the desk): Ya know things aren’t lookin’ too good right now, there or here.

BUSH: You tellin’ me! I thought them Eye-rackis were gonna greet our men with flowers and name a square in my honour for liberatin’ them, but do they do that? No sirree, they’re too damned ungrateful. They’d rather bite the hand that feeds them, those Shears and Soonies and all. I dunno why God told me to go liberate them. You’da thought he’d have more sense. Shoulda thought to teach ‘em gratitude first. We liberated them from Saddam and they still want electricity and jobs and water and fuel. I ask ya!

CHENEY: Well, what about people here in the States? Why can’t we get them on our side any more? They used to lap up whatever we said. Like you claiming Saddam was behind 9/11 and was pals with Al Qaeda.

BUSH: Yeah, I been thinkin’ about that too. These here American people don’t know how lucky they are to have God to lead them through these difficult times. They just ain’t fit to have God’s anointed administration in power, that’s what I’m thinkin’. Just ya lookit that schoolgirl now, the one that was makin’ those threats to kill me. Maybe it’s time one of her class got guns outta his dad’s cabinet and went on a rampage, like that there Amish shootin’. We got home grown freedom hating terrorists now. Gotta fight ‘em as well. That’s why I abolished hab-y-us corpuss.

CHENEY: Not to talk of that Benedict Arnold of a coon – that Powell.

BUSH: I never did trust that man. First chance he gets he jumps ship. You’d think he doubts that we’re an empire and we need to create our own reality. Never should’ve made him Secretary of State that time.

CHENEY: You forgot the other one. Condi. She’s looking like she’s thinking of jumping ship as well.

BUSH: You just can’t trust these people. (Makes wild gesture with his arm, sending glass crashing to the floor.) Just look what they made me do! They’re not worthy of God! They don’t even vote GOP, when we need ‘em to. Just those Amish, we can rely on them to pray Republican, but they don’t vote so it doesn’t count. And the rest of them, they’re rising against God, and God will not be mocked –

CHENEY: Perhaps they just don’t want to die.

BUSH: Why wouldn’t they? Armageddon’s comin’, isn’t it, the end of the world, when you and I and the rest of the righteous will be carried aloft out of our clothes and borne to heaven, while them unrighteous Christians will go down to hell with them Jews and Muslims and atheists and suchlike?

CHENEY: Well, yes, but Armageddon seems to be taking a long time coming, isn’t it? Israel was supposed to take the first step towards it by destroyin’ the Hizbollah. But they didn’t do it.

BUSH: Don’t ya remind me of that again. I did all I could to help Olmert, gave him all the time he wanted, and he couldn’t even beat a buncha ragheads. Misery, I tell ya – misery. When Armageddon comes we’re supposed to fight the Jews. How can we do that if they ain’t helped us finish off the Muslims first?

CHENEY: Actually, Junior, speaking of finishing the Muslims, the Israelis are kind of worried about Iran.

BUSH: So am I worried about that there Ah-muddy-ney-jad guy. Let’s just call him Hitler from now on.

CHENEY: Why?

BUSH: Hitler’s easier to pronounce than Ah-muddy-ney-jad. Also it makes people listen to me. So, what’s the latest on him?

CHENEY: They are still enrichin’ uranium. Don’s pushing for military strikes.

BUSH: Someone or other was tellin’ me we don’t have the troops for that. I mean, I wouldn’t want a single troop to risk his life, but we’ve gotta make sacrifices in the cause of freedom, don’t ya know? But since we don’t have the troops, attackin’ Iran would mean nucular strikes. I don’t really like the sound of that.

CHENEY: Well, Junior, those bunker-busters are pretty harmless, ya know. There’s no radiation, and anyone tellin’ ya different is on the side of the terrorists. The Israelis are tellin’ us to use them. I had three calls from the Israeli Ambassador in the last two hours.

BUSH: Tell him to trust in God, then.

CHENEY: I did. He said his God isn’t our God.

BUSH: What if we didn’t attack Iran, then? There are some of our people warnin’ against it.

CHENEY: Junior? Remember, wimps go to Baghdad, real men go to Tehran. Besides, remember what Ledeen said. The US has to pick up some crappy little country every ten years or so and hurl it against the wall just to let the world know who’s boss.

BUSH (brightening up): They don’t come more crappy than Iran.

CHENEY: Right. Besides, remember the guy I shot out hunting? Just like I’d still have shot him even if I’d known he was there, because otherwise no one would’ve taken me seriously. If we hesitate, the world would lose its awe of us, and then the terrorists win. We gotta act at once.

BUSH: I’ll ask God. But I guess it’s gonna take a little time to prepare the public for another war, won’t it? What do I tell the Israeli Ambassador in the meantime?

CHENEY: You tell Don to send the Israelis three squadrons of F-16s and fifty thousand cluster bombs loaded with white phosphorus and napalm. That should kill enough raghead kids – I mean, freedom hatin’ terrorists – to keep him happy.

BUSH: And I’d better order Tony boy to get his army ready.

CHENEY: You’d better talk to him, too. I don’t know how much we can rely on him any more. Howard’s with us through thick and thin, he’s openly said he wants Australia to be our agent, but I’m not too sure Tony can swing it in Britain any more. Even his army chief, that General Dannatt, is contradicting him these days. Says Britain should get out of Iraq.

BUSH: Is that so? I’ll talk to him. (Picks up phone) Gimme Tony Blair. No, I don’t give a damn where he is. He can cover his ass later. (Brief pause) Yo, Blair! I’ve been hearing you don’t want to do God’s work any more? (Inarticulate mumbling, in a pleading tone, comes from phone) No, I don’t give a damn about what your General Doughnut said. Y’all just remember that we Americans saved your asses durin’ the Spanish Armadillo, and you’ve got a duty to fight for freedom. Right. I’ll be callin’ at the usual time with your orders for tomorrow. (Puts down phone) There.That’s the way to do it.

CHENEY: Fine, but what are you gonna do about Iraq, then? Seems like that puppet of ours is actin’ uppity, criticising our viceroy – I mean our Ambassador. I recommend we stage a coup and get rid of him.

BUSH: You mean that Prime Minister, what’s his name? He’s on our side, ain’t he?

CHENEY: Nouri al- Maliki. He’s supposed to be, but he’s not done anything so far to help us make a going concern of the place. Ain’t destroyed the militias either. The Mahdi Army, f’r instance.

BUSH: You go tell that Malarkey he better smoke out that Muddy Army or we’ll get someone who can. And didn’t I hear somethin’ about guttersnipers?

CHENEY: Yeah, snipers killed a lot of our men recently.

BUSH: We’ve gotta make sacrifices in the war on terror. Well, ya just ask the Marines to fill in the gutters in Bag-dad. No gutters, no guttersnipers, simple! Why do I have to think of everything myself? Now what were ya tellin’ me about replacing Malarkey?

CHENEY: Well, really, the problem is that there’s no one we can hand the place to and still count on controlling it. We’ll still stay the course, don’t worry, Junior, even after you leave this office. After all, why did we go invade the place if all we want to do is give it back again to those squatters?

BUSH: Squatters? You sure about that? I thought those were parts of their country.

CHENEY: Perhaps, but they’re sittin’ on top of our oil. God gave us that oil, it belongs to the United States. Even Clinton thought so. Even your dad…

BUSH: Don’t ya bring up my dad. I know you served in his administration, but the old man’s a wimp. Couldn’t finish what he started and fight in Bag-dad. He chickened out. Well, I’ll show him. I’ll smash them terrorists in Eye-rack and Af-gun-iz-tun and Congress and in the streets of San Francisco and New York. If anyone says anythin’ all I got to do is say "9/11".

CHENEY: In Afghanistan, now that you mention it, NATO’s not doing all that great either.

BUSH: It’s them Europeans. The whole lot are a bunch of cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys. My good friend Mush is doin’ his best, riskin’ his life to fight Al Qaeda and the Taliban and suchlike, and still they can’t smoke out that Osama and Moolah Omar. Talkin’ about Osama, see if you can arrange for him to release another tape threatenin’ us. My ratings need a boost so bad I’m swimmin’.

CHENEY: I’ll try, but it isn’t too easy. We couldn’t smoke him out either, do you remember?

BUSH: So what? Osama got me through the last election, didn’t he? What more do ya want me to do?

CHENEY: Talk to North Korea?

BUSH: Ya mean that King Jong the Second? I get a visceral reaction to that guy. I get a visceral reaction whenever I think of him testin’ a bomb instead of puttin’ food on the family. Most of all I get a visceral reaction when I think of him testin’ the bomb before we could get together some kinda excuse to take him and his country out. Besides, that there King Jong –

CHENEY: It’s Kim. Kim Jong Il, not King Jong the Second.

BUSH: Kim? Ya mean it’s a woman? Kim’s a woman’s name.

CHENEY: No, he’s a man all right.

BUSH: Then he’s gotta be a gay, with a woman’s name like that. I knew it. I knew he was an evildoer. Let’s all get ready and nucular him.

CHENEY: Not so fast. Our anti-missile shields don’t work, as I already told you, and Russia and China are backing him, like they’re doing Iran. Even the South Koreans wouldn’t like that –

BUSH (raging): After all we did for them, comin’ to their aid during the Mongol invasions. I’ve got a good mind to blow ‘em all up. I’m tired of waitin’ for God to arrange Armageddon. God’s makin’ a mistake if he misunderestimates me.

CHENEY: What are you planning to do, Junior?

BUSH (pulls out a black briefcase from under the desk and opens it): I’m gonna nucular them all. You gonna try and stop me? No? (Jabs buttons at random) There! Done! Now let God sort ‘em all out!

[A tiny missile silo opens in BUSH’s desk. A small missile rises from it to the ceiling, flips over, falls on BUSH and vapourises him in a miniature mushroom cloud.]

CHENEY: Sorry about that, Junior. Can’t have you messin’ with Halliburton’s profits.

                                   (CURTAIN)

This Our Democracy

It was a day already hot with promise.

Ram Kumar came out of the election office with his bunch of supporters. He stretched luxuriously before getting into his huge new Balero.

“Bhaiyya,” one of his sidekicks said, in appropriately servile tones, “you were right on time. You filed your nomination papers at the exact moment the astrologer said!”

Ram Kumar did not deign to reply. He got into the driver’s seat and drove off with a jerk. Never having been actually in possession of a driving licence, his steering control was as shaky as his gear changes, but no cop would ever dream of booking him. Even if he ran over and killed someone, any policeman who tried to take any action would find himself transferred so quickly to some backwater that he wouldn’t have time to pack his bags.

Ram Kumar stopped the SUV outside his palatial mansion. It was visible from far away, being the only large construction in a sea of hovels. Ram Kumar liked it this way. He liked to stand out on his terrace and gaze out at the slum around him and rejoice in his success. He looked up a moment at the red and blue party flag fluttering above the door before he went in.

“Any news?” he asked the cringing woman who was his wife. She had been pretty once, and had had spirit. When he had asked her to marry him she had refused. She had even dared say she was already married. In less than a week, she had married him; but of course that was after her hovel had been burnt down and her husband beaten so badly he had lost a leg and an eye. He had never dared file a police case, had never turned up again. He had more sense than that.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Harish is waiting for you.”

Harish got up when Ram Kumar entered. “They’ve lodged a new case against you,” he said.

“Great,” Ram Kumar said, grimly amused. “What is it this time?”

“Murder. You remember, that Kamlesh…”

“Oh yes, the one who tried to underbid me for the contract. Well, what difference does that make? Did Dadaji say anything?” “Dadaji” was the president of the party.   

“He told the press already that you’re innocent since the charges are not proved.”
”And they won’t be, of course,” said Ram Kumar. He looked directly at Harish for the first time. “If they have witnesses, you know what to do. Anything else?”

“Yes, that old fool Shailesh Singh is going about moaning that he had done so much development work for the constituency when he was elected, and that he’s represented this constituency for fifteen years, but this time Dadaji had to go and give you the nomination.”

“The old idiot.” Ram Kumar grinned. “These old fools don’t even know that people don’t vote for development. People don’t give a pill of goat’s dung for roads or schools or taps. All they care for is caste. Caste is everything. And I am the right caste. Also I have the muscle power to make people vote for me, whatever else they want. Any other thing?”

“Just personal curiosity, Bhaiyya. Why do you want to enter politics? It’s not as though you aren’t doing well enough already.”

Ram Kumar regarded Harish almost with affection. The boy was far too stupid to pose a threat, if he needed to ask that. “Look, my boy,” he said. “If I’m in politics, I can earn so much it makes my business look like petty change. Just the MLA development fund will give me enough in two years not to have to work ever again. Also, do you think any legal files will move against a minister? This won’t be an easy election for Dadaji to win. But he will win, with the support of those like me. So I can get myself made a minister, and that means I have even more money to play around with, and no supervision. Do you think Dadaji will dare take action against me if it means his government falls? He’ll be busy feathering his own nest anyway. So I get as much money as I want and immunity from criminal prosecution as well.” He patted the boy’s shoulder. “Understand?”

“But what if the party splits? What will happen then, Bhaiyya?”

Ram Kumar laughed aloud. “Oh, then it would be great!” he said. “Just imagine the amounts of money flowing in to buy each legislator. One good split would earn me more than an entire stint in the legislature otherwise! I might even engineer one myself. And just in case the split doesn’t actually go all the way, then…”

“Yes, then?”

“Then, my boy, I’ll score at least a good holiday out of it because all the legislators will, as always, be taken to some five star resort in Goa or Himachal Pradesh, isolated from the world, so no one can buy them and push a split all the way through.

“Yes,” Ram Kumar continued, “it’s the Great Indian Democracy, and we’re all for sale!”      

A Pep(si) Talk

To

Ms Indra Nooyi

Chief Executive Officer

PepsiCo India.

Most Exalted Madam

Your Highness, this is to remind you of the last meeting where you had asked me to chalk out a way forward for the company in the light of increased oversight of the courts over our operations, interference by environmental groups, and – increasingly – concerns expressed about the effects on health of our products.

I have, accordingly, decided to focus on particular issues and possible solutions.

In the first place, it’s likely – now that the courts have ordered an investigation - that we can no longer bribe, threaten, or pull enough political rank to stop serious investigations being launched into the pesticide content of our products. It's most unlikely that, as in the past, we can successfully continue to disobey court orders and obfuscate the issue. This means that we will have to both discredit the accusers so that the findings will be lost in a fog of accusations, counteraccusations, and white noise, and also find a way of pitching the so-called “negative points” of our products as winners and USPs. 

We should immediately hire a private detective agency to dig up all possible dirt on the Centre for Science and Environment and most of all on its director Sunita Narain, who has apparently begun a personal crusade to expose the fact that our products contain unacceptable levels of pesticides. We need to find everything we can target her with. There should be no mercy. She is trying to affect our profits, after all. If nothing can be found we could explore options to frame her. I am attaching a short list of organisations which I think can serve our purposes. 

It is of course true that the amounts of pesticides in our product and that of our competitor have increased very sharply over the last few years. But that is the price to be paid for the sake of cutting costs enough to make a profit. It's estimated that we make only a 900% profit on every bottle of soft drink we sell. If we had to actually clean the water we use of all pesticide residues the profit might fall to 800% or even 700%. I should point out that this would be unlikely to go down well with our head office.

Whereas right wing Indian columnists had been successfully bribed in the past to pass off our product as standardised, unfortunately, these same columnists are now badly compromised over their earlier support to the invasion of Iraq and for setting up special economic zones. No one really believes anything they say any more and they have become a liability. 

Also, we have to confront the accusations that we are sharply depleting groundwater levels in order to create a premier product catering to the rich. Of course we are, and we're getting the water free. We have to protect our access to this water. Otherwise our profits will again take a hit. This can only be managed by large scale bribes to local politicians whose business it then becomes to protect our access to the water. In the meantime, we can continue to pass on the toxic sludge left over in our factories to local farmers as "fertiliser" to mollify them about the water. We should also launch a PR campaign saying that we are recharging the water table at a greater rate than we are discharging it. However nonsensical it sounds, we will find the media willing to back us up on this one. We are, of course, more chic and camera friendly than unshaven farmers and wild-eyed activists.

Then, we have to meet the "health-related issues" head on. We have to remember that this is India and we can easily find doctors who can be paid to say that Pepsi is actually good for health, but there is the unfortunate fact that the Internet has brought to people the knowledge that retrograde institutions worldwide have banned our products. 

Therefore, I suggest we turn the issue on its head. We pitch the health damage as a USP. We say, yes, our product contains pesticides, but all this does is kill off germs and parasites, so this is a positive thing. We say loudly that, yes, our product does contain carbonic acid that destroys tooth enamel, and does contain empty calories - but we say, drink Pepsi, accept the damage, rebel against society! You drink alcohol, you smoke to proclaim your rebellion, drink Pepsi!

As far as that goes, I also suggest we begin a new advertising campaign. We can, in the aftermath of the World Cup, no longer use cricketers, of course; it would be the kiss of death. Instead, we should use Salman Khan. He's popular among young people and he can say, "I shoot blackbucks, I run over and kill people with my SUV, I get drunk and beat up my girfriends and competitors, I get away with it all. I drink Pepsi!"

At the same time, we must build bridges with our "competitors" from Coca Cola. United we stand, divided we fall. We must join hands to crush this wimpish attempt to make us conform to "rules" and "regulations".

Hoping for a quick response and a large raise of salary,

I remain, 

Your most obedient slave

A S Likker

Public Relations Officer 

The New National Animal

The national animal of India is, officially, the tiger.

That doesn’t really mean all that much of a big deal because there are, by official count, about 1400 tigers left in the entire country. And that – being an official census – is likely to be far inflated. After all, all these years we were being told that the conservation efforts, named Project Tiger, were bringing the tiger back from the brink of extinction, and that they were increasing in numbers every year.

And then, suddenly, there were tiger sanctuaries – like Sariska – without a single tiger left, as even the government had to concede. And try as I might, I can’t see a future India which still has space for a single wild animal to survive, let alone the tiger.

So, India needs a new national animal. Which?

We can’t go back to the lion, which was the national animal before the tiger. Lions are found only in a small patch of forest in one tiny pocket of India; and there are only about three hundred left, if that.



How about the cow, then? The cow is superficially attractive, because it’s beloved of the Hindunazis and revered by the hoi polloi. But not everyone worships the cow, and here in the North East of the country we eat it without a qualm. You can’t eat a national animal, and we aren’t ready to give up beef – not yet and not ever.


But then it came to me, the perfect new national animal. It’s so ideally suited to the Indian mentality and Indian conditions that I can only wonder that I’d never thought of it before...

Indians, you see, are dirty; even our Environment Minister recently said that we’d win a Nobel prize in dirt if one was on offer. This animal is dirty. Like Indians, it adores garbage, shuns cleanliness, and thrives on ordure of any and all description.

Indians are, by and large, the ugliest people I know of. This animal will never win beauty prizes, anywhere, anytime.

Indians are everywhere. They squeeze into every niche, infesting every place they find has the slightest hint of an opportunity. This creature, too, does exactly the same thing.

Indians don’t need houses to live in; if required, they’ll sleep on the streets. This animal doesn’t need any nest or bolt hole. Any dark corner will do.

Indians breed and breed without compunction, far in excess of their own ability to care for their offspring. This creature breeds at incredible rates and makes no attempt even to care for its offspring.

Indians, by and large, are not known for a high level of national intelligence. This creature is monumentally stupid.

Indians have no problems with crime and corruption. Corruption, of a more biological sort, is what the animal I’m thinking of lives for.

Indians, especially in the urban slums, are virtually walking bags of disease germs. These creatures are ambulatory transports of disease germs.

Indians are noisy and always make a buzz around themselves. This creature can literally not help making a noise when it is active.

Apart from this, there’s the signal fact that this creature is in no danger of ever becoming extinct, no matter what happens. Nobody even needs to raise a finger to ensure its conservation. Wow!

Yes, the more I think of it, the more I feel I’ve found it...

My fellow citizens, behold your new National Animal:

The housefly.

Hell, it's a nice place

Here we go again.

I believe that I can prove for you folks today, for your entire satisfaction, that hell is at least as pleasant as heaven, if not more so.

How?

Well, as usual, we begin by assuming hell exists, as does heaven, and the devil and god reign over each, respectively.

Now forget the twaddle about being hurled down, if I were an all powerful monarch of any place, I’d make sure I was as comfortable as I could ever be.

So, whatever conditions Lucifer found in Hell when he ceased to be Star of the Morning, he would try to make them as livable as possible. If he has power over hell, he can do that.

I mean, even prisoners in jail try and decorate their cells, and Lucifer, that malign influence that stalks the globe, is more powerful than any lifer, aren’t I right?

So, either hell would cease to be the morass of fire or the waste of eternal cold (the Norse Hell) or whatever, and would really become rather pleasant – or else the devil would adapt to hell. He would become (and his imps and demons would too) inured to those conditions – eternal heat, say.

And where would you find eternal heat? Why, in the centre of the earth…or the sun…or any planet with a magnetic field.

I believe I may have actually located hell, then. Or hells. And heaven? (Shrugs shoulders).

With me so far?

All right, I’ll get back to the topic. Apart from the obvious fact that if we intend to explore the interiors of planets or stars the proper evolutionary apparatus include horns, hooves and a barbed tail, we can also infer something. Not just the fact that since the devil can walk the earth, those organs must make one pretty powerful in the temporal realm as well. Yes, Bush might want to know that, but I meant something else. Something important.

Look, no monarch in history has ever survived when his subjects are restless and unhappy. Said monarch will have to constantly be suppressing them, or he’ll be overthrown – just look at Baby Doc Duvalier or Jean Bedel Bokassa for recent examples. It makes ruling much easier if your subjects are at least reasonably happy – look at Margrethe for instance, or Bhumibol Adulyadej, no one’s suggesting a republic in those countries yet!

So, in order to keep away dissent and make life easier for himself (even god couldn’t prevent the organisation of a coup attempt by Lucifer himself, so he knows the lesson first hand) Lucifer would do well to keep everyone in Hell happy, from Beelzebub to the veriest newcomer, the Reverend Jerry Falwell for example.

That is the first reason why Hell will either be fairly like a resort, or else the inmates will be changed sufficiently so that they feel as though the facilities are something like a resort.

Then again, if one’s going to suffer for all eternity, what’s the point of giving the charge of the punishment to Lucifer? If he is evil, his sympathies will be with those he’s supposed to punish, right? So he will go easy on them, won’t he? Otherwise he’ll be the one hating evil, right?

And then the third reason, last but not least, as they say. If Lucifer’s going to get more people to join him in his efforts to spread evil, shouldn’t he offer generous compensation packages? After all, what are a few years of pleasure compared to eternities of torment?

No, hell is a pleasant place. It’s heaven I’ve doubts about.

The Short And Tragic Reign of Pope Lucifer I

The Pope was dead. The Vatican had declared it, and consigned him to eternity with the usual ceremonies, and buried him with the usual rites.

The Pope was dead. So they had to select a new successor to the Throne of Peter, to serve as God’s Vicar on Earth, and to oversee the rule of the Lord upon Earth.

And so the Cardinals came to the Vatican, and they cast their votes, which were burned with wet straw, and the waiting multitudes saw the black smoke rise, and knew the selection of a new Pontiff was not yet.

And the Cardinals debated among themselves, and prayed, and held more rounds of voting, and the black smoke rose from the chimney, and the multitudes of the faithful waited.

And then, lo and behold, arose from among them a Candidate: a Man not too young, nor yet too old, a Man old in wisdom beyond his years, stern of mien and with a faith that, it seemed, was built on the Rock of the Ages. And so this was the Candidate of the World, and so heralded by the Cardinals there assembled, and the votes were burned without straw, so white smoke rose from the chimney, to signal to the world that the Seat of Peter was vacant no longer.

And the new Pontiff assumed his Office, and in so doing, caused the first ripple of many: for he chose to be called Lucifer, being the First of that Name.  

And the Pontiff Lucifer I issued a Bull, that spread evil and calumny through the Land.

For the Pope Lucifer said, that it did not matter that God really exist, for the Teachings of the Bible to be followed, for a better World; and so was revealed as an Atheist.

And, also, the Pontiff Lucifer said, it was not possible that a Man had been Born of a Virgin; for such a Human would be haploid, having only the Mother’s set of Chromosomes, and so would be Female.

And, furthermore, said the Pope, it mattered not whether Jesus really had existed, or in fact did Rise from the Dead, for His teachings to be followed; and, as a Corollary, it matter not that there be an Afterlife, for one to be bound by rules of common Decency towards all Men – yes, and Women, and non-human Animals, too, in this Life. And, said the Pope, if the only Reason for following the Teachings of God is the hope of Divine reward in the Afterlife, such a Reason is pure Selfishness, and no valid Reason at all; it is, said he, a Mortal Sin. Even though there be no Hell, it is still a  Mortal Sin.

Still more, said the Pope, it was Incorrect of Popes past to claim Infallibility; for only God could claim to be Infallible, and that would be true if God was, and perhaps God was not.

And – said the Pope – if Celibacy was meant as a Requirement for Divine Office, then God, assuming such a Being existed, would not have issued Men and Women with genitals, for such Humans would be by definition unfit for Divine Grace, having in them the potential for Carnal Sin;

Which, logically extended, means, said the Pope, that Celibacy is an Abnormal condition, and that Henceforth it be no longer a Requirement for Priesthood; no, furthermore, that Celibacy is an Offence against Nature and the Lord, assuming such a being ever existed.

And, said the Pope, there being no difference in ability or intelligence between the Male and Female genders, it be immediately possible for Women to take the Cloth, and in future to be Archbishops and Cardinals, and Popes, too, in the days to come.

And all these Pronouncements of the Pontiff Lucifer, First of the Name, threw the Faithful into dire confusion, and caused rumblings in the Holy Mother Church.

But still Worse was to come; for the Pope so declared, that, there being no certainty of the existence of an Afterlife or a Divine Being, all Religions were Equal; and there was no Sin in being a Hindu or a Muslim or a Jew or a Protestant, any more than there was Merit in being a Catholic baptised and catechised.

And, horror of horrors, the Pontiff declared that Homosexuality was not unnatural; that it was as true and natural as heterosexual love, and that if one condemned the one, one could not but condemn the other; for both sprung from the same Source.

And the Cardinals and the Archbishops and sundry Priests of the Church grew vexed indeed, and hoped that there was nothing more the Pontiff had to say.

But no, the Pontiff then said that the Evil on Earth was real, and sprang not from the Devil, but from our own Midst; and there it had to be countered and fought, not through Prayer or Divine Intercession, but by tracking down the Source of that Evil in Ourselves.


And, said the Pope, the Church had grown bloated, effete, and corrupt; she needed Rebirth, and Reformation, to shed the shallow dross of pomp and Ritual, and assume the Role she had been intended, to cater to the Longings of the Poor in Spirit. And this pronouncement threw the Church into the greatest Turmoil of All.  

And the Prelates gathered, and from themselves chose an Inquisition, and the Inquisition took the Pontiff Lucifer and burned him at the Stake in St Peter’s Square.

And then the Throne of Peter was vacant, and needed to be filled, and from over the world the Cardinals came, to elect the new Vicar of God on Earth.

The faithful are still waiting.   

You Atheists Are So Stupid!

Yes, this IS meant to be satire. Yes, I know, I know.

Well, you atheists, there you go again.

I mean to say, haven’t you understood by now? You may deny it, but someday you will be forced to acknowledge that you are HELLBOUND PERVERTS and you will stand in the RIGHTEOUS ANGER OF THE LORD.

But you know, even you atheists, the Lord loves you all, and if you go to Him right now and crawl and beg forgiveness, then maybe He will let you repent and only punish you with a few thousand years of Purgatory.

Oops. Did I say a few thousand years? A few hundred years, of course, the Lord forgive my mistake. A few thousand years from now, the Lord will have long since destroyed this Earth, as He created it six thousand years ago in six days, and all you HELL-BOUND ATHEISTS WILL BURN IN HELL WHILE WE THEISTS WILL WATCH FROM THE LORD’S LAP AND REJOICE! Ha ha ha!

Seriously, you atheists crack me up. You don’t even let yourselves realise how much RICHNESS there is in the LOVE OF GOD. You don’t just turn your back on God, you spurn Him, and – rest assured – this is not going to be FORGIVEN.

OK, just look at it this way. You atheists believe in Science, don’t you? Well your Science is WRONG. The Bible has it all, everything we need to know, and the rest of it, all that YOU believe, is because the Devil is throwing dust in your eye to blind you to the Glory of the LORD GOD. Just as you believe that the earth goes round the sun, when all you need to do is go out and look at the sky to know it’s the opposite. You atheists are FOOLS.

Some time back one of your lot was telling me that the dinosaurs prove that there was no Genesis and that we all came from apes. Well, you can come from an ape if you want to, but as for me and everyone in my family, the LORD GOD made us from the seed of Adam and Eve. We are Beloved of the Lord if you’re not. And as for your dinosaurs: the Lord destroyed them, as the Bible says, in the Flood. They were Evil. They fornicated with each other, and they were far too big to bring on board the Ark, so the Lord drowned them in the Flood. So there.

Atheists are so STUPID. I mean to say, don’t you feel all warm and cosy inside when you think of the Lord? I do. You think you can get through life with no prayer to the Lord, and He won’t make things tough for you? The Lord is a jealous Lord, as everyone knows except an atheist.

I once saw an atheist couple that DIDN'T EVEN TEACH THEIR CHILDREN GOD EXISTS. Now can you imagine anyone so evil? They're going right to hell - AND SO ARE YOU. Ha, ha, ha.

All right, you die and just see what happens. Don’t say then I didn’t warn you. 

The Christmas Song

Santa Claus was blue and sorry oh Santa Claus was sad

For Jesus Christ was come again and my word was He mad.

He said “My Father’s house will never be a marketplace

But you turn it into one and right in My face.

You take My birthday – the day you say I was born

Make it into a symbol of all that is wicked and is wrong.

You may all be Christians – Christ-ians you’re not

Some of what I said you trashed and the rest you all forgot.

Where is the peace on earth where the goodwill to all men

Why do you spread hate with sword and also with your pen?

The miracles you demand of Me all the leaps of faith

Come with price tag attached just like a savage wraith.

You put words in My mouth I never would have thought

And what I believed you’ve sold and more you’ve bought.

You take yourselves away – go away from me far

Say not that I walk with you as you march to war.

Your bishop’s mitre, your church, your Bible and your cross

Without truth or understanding, all are sham and dross.

When you slave your brother you slave Me as well

And when you take My name you send My soul to Hell.

Get thee behind Me, get thee all gone

This lonely path I trod once I must tread alone.”

Santa up and met the businessmen and he met the priests

They gathered a horde of men all lately turned to beasts.

They caught Christ and hung Him up yes they nailed Him to a cross

And they said to each other they showed Him who was boss.

Jesus looked at them and Jesus shed a tear

And before He died again wondered at their fear

Of truth and love and just a little touch of hope

All of which means nothing compared to dollar and to dope.

They buried Jesus again and then they dug Him up

And sold His blood in churches at so much cash a cup.

Next Christmas Santa smiled Santa was pleased again

And the children laughed and clapped Christmas was right as rain.

The Mosque Of The Holy Mollusc

I’ve just had one of those random thoughts that seem to lead into increasingly complicated labyrinths. You know the kind I mean?

For instance, let’s imagine a situation where the human race makes peaceful contact with a relatively highly-developed alien civilisation. Byhighly-developed, in this context, I mean a civilisation sufficiently advanced that the human race can’t immediately submerge and crush it completely and utterly, but rather has to coexist with it on roughly equal terms.

Now, furthermore, let’s imagine that this race is completely and utterly non-humanoid; something resembling giant snails will do pretty well as a model. Also, and very significantly, most members of this race (let’s call them the Molluscoids) are relatively rich. Fine?

OK, now, imagine what the religions of the world will have to say about this?

Hinduism isn’t in the running, really. Hindus think themselves intrinsically superior to all other peoples and religions, and this is one reason it’s not a proselytising religion; why would it want to propagate itself when it’s so incredibly superior to everyone else? Everyone else should naturally gravitate to it, right? Anyway, sarcasm apart, Hinduism will ignore the Molluscoids. Buddhism isn’t pushy, so it’s likely to sit back and wait, as well.

No, where we have to look for high religious drama is the Big Three; Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.

Judaism and Christianity will be faced with one humongous problem right off: if God made Man in His image, then how on, well, whichever planet it is, does he make another intelligent, civilised race? Is God multi-formed, or do these two religions start off by junking a fundamental tenet of Genesis?

(Not that they wouldn’t be advised to dump that fundamental tenet anyway. How much does a Dinka have in common with an Ainu? What God looks like both of them? But I digress.)

The Jews, fortunately for them, aren’t in the business of evangelism either, so we can pass them by. But what about Christianity and Islam?

Imagine, now, the various Christian denominations and the Muslims fighting to promote their competing faiths among the Molluscoids. If for no other reason, the alien race’s wealth will serve as a powerful enough inducement to conversion. Y’know, follow the money trail and see where it goes.

I wonder just how one goes about explaining crucifixion to a snail? Or the idea that evolution never happened, to a species which can see for itself that it evidently did? And what about the different denominations squabbling over whether the Universe is 6000 years old? What happens when Baptist Molluscoids begin poaching on the Catholics, or the Muslims on the Presbyterians?

If there’s one thing we know about organised religion, though, it’s that they just won’t quit when the stakes are high enough.

Roll on the Stellar Slime Jihad.