I, Tony XXIII, First Assistant to Pope Dick XV, Most High Priest and Vicar on Earth of His Eternal Holiness Lord Bush the Leader, am writing these words as a personal memorandum and as a draft for the suggestions I must tender at council for the most urgent and dramatic policy changes we must make if we are not in short order to face problems amounting to utter disaster.
Since no one else will, or is intended to, read these lines there is no reason to hold back or prevaricate in the manner we are taught to follow in theological training.
Before discussing the problems we are, if I am not mistaken, going to face in very short order, and possible solutions thereof, it is useful – nay, essential – that the history of our Divine Movement, so far as it is known, be considered, because there lie the roots of both problem and deliverance.
Let us admit, straight away, that we do not know the exact date when the Divine Movement was founded. Although for the purpose of theology we insist that it was following hard on the events of the life of the Precursor Prophet Jesus, who anointed Our Lord Bush the Leader with his own hands, and that this was some four thousand years after the creation of the world, that is only a fiction for the indoctrination of the masses. For, the Church of the Movement must never be seen as not to know. The Lord himself made this stipulation: that we should never show that we do not know. We – on the other hand – should always show that we know better. For the general public, the Church must beinfallible.
In reality, we know far less than we know that we do not know.
For example, though doctrine informs us that the world was created four thousand years before the Precursor Prophet, there is no other reason to believe that. Indeed, Brother Eric, the late Brother Eric, came to me once with what he claimed was hard evidence that the world was very much older than that – that he had found evidence not only that this could be proved, but that our forefathers had held this as common knowledge. I ascertained from Brother Eric that he had discussed this with no one else, and then had him destroyed at the stake as a dangerous lunatic. I knew he was no lunatic, of course; but such things are necessary if the Church is to survive.
There are, though, persistent whispers that the Precursor Prophet and Our Lord never actually met; that several hundred, perhaps even thousands, of years separated them; that – I shudder to think of it! – that Our Lord only imagined that he was anointed by the Precursor. Indeed there are many whispers that the Precursor may never, indeed, have had a corporeal existence. These rumours must be tracked down and the rumour-mongers ruthlessly destroyed, more so indeed, because I have an idea they may just be telling the truth.
Be that as it may, we do know, for a certainty, that Our Lord existed. We know he had a Spouse – our Lady Laura. However, we know nothing about her at all. She seems to have been a nonentity. We do, however, know something about his Blessed Parents. His father was the High Lord before him (there are reports that there was an interregnum while some fornicating interloper held the throne a few years before the Holy Family reclaimed it) – his name was the same as that of Our Lord, and he may be said to have blazed the trail for Our Lord to follow, in the Holy Struggle against the land of …but I am getting ahead of myself. Be it sufficient to say that the elder Lord, although Blessed, had done something that made him displeasing to Our Lord. It seems to have been something to do with starting something that was not finished, so Our Lord accused him of pusillanimity. This is why we call Our Lord’s Blessed Father by the epithet Lord Bush the Lesser.
Of Our Lord’s Blessed Mother we know a little; she was called Barbara the Beautiful. The sobriquet referred not to her looks, of which we know not very much, but to her mind, which was beautiful indeed. In those days they had instruments which could display images throughout the land. These instruments, called Televisions, were later suppressed during the reign of Pope Karl II because of the misuse they offered themselves to at the hands of heretics and deniers of the Divine Movement. However, in the days of which I speak, the Lord had made very effective use of these instruments for his own Divine Purpose. This purpose included a certain amount of prevarication (which is why heretics refer to Our Lord as Bush the Liar) and ended in Barbara the Beautiful speaking out on Television about the Beauty of her mind, which should not be disturbed by ugly images from the Divine Conflict her Son was about to begin.
This Divine Conflict was the defining action of Our Lord’s career. He had done many other things to forward his Divine Agenda before; and when certain trolls from a hell called Terror came across the seas and struck on his doorstep, he declared that Terror must vanish from this world. Of course this was not just a show of words, and therein lies his greatness; he followed Terror to its lair and destroyed it. He earned the title of the Leader.
Or so we are told.
Of course there are whispers from the same people as those who call Our Lord “the Liar” that Terror was not affected; that greater Terror was let loose on the world; and that – even! – the original attack on Our Lord’s doorstep was carried out with the connivance, if not actual involvement, of Our Lord himself. But followers of Evil will say anything.
Be that as it may, Our Lord then went to cleanse the world of the terrible happenings at a place called
. We are not sure of whether this Sodom was a place or a person; there are reasons to think both; but in any case, what we do know is that Sodom allowed homosexuals to run wild and create obscenities and that there were something called W Em Dees involved. W is of course the Holy Letter, the letter we no longer allow to be pronounced; it is reserved as an alternative name for Our Lord himself. We do not know what these W Em Dees were. Possibly they were doctors for Our Lord; “spin doctors” as they used to call them, because Em Dees referred to doctors. And no account of Our Lord’s life is complete without some reference to these “spin doctors”. Sodom
In any event,
was attacked and destroyed, something Lord Bush the Lesser had not completed. But Evil rose anew from the Sodom ; while Our Lord wanted Holy Oil to anoint his Divine Mission from those lands, Sodomites and Terrorists fought back against his Holy Armies. Finally Our Lord let loose his ultimate weapon, someone called the Sarge. Who this was we do not know, but apparently the Sarge chose victory while Our Lord’s opponents were choosing defeat. Also we do not know about the Sarge’s actual effect on the War Against Sodomites and Terrorists, but it is likely that he did not prevail. However, the Sarge did allow Our Lord to impose his agenda on his own domestic audience, for whom he was still High Lord. landof Sodom
One must understand that in those days there was no world state controlled by the Movement’s Church – Our Lord was High Lord of a land called Amrikka. Amrikka was a land where not everyone followed Our Lord; and many of them were turning heretical at the time of the Sarge’s attack on Sodomites and Terrorists. This was the time that Our Lord used many things to impose his Divine Will on the land. He located the Centre of All Evil in the world in a land called Eye Ran, which was the Eye of Satan – Satan being the Devil who was crushed and destroyed by Our Lord – destroyed, yea, over and over again. He therefore – with the help of a mysterious empire called Zai-on and the help of my first predecessor as First Assistant, Tony I – invaded that
and – so far as we know – was planning to invade other heretical lands like Chai-na and Rus. land of Eye Ran
He, it seems, used these wars to put the people of Amrikka into line. He cut their rights to defy him, but let them keep what they really needed. Which was their individual freedom. The most important of those freedoms was, naturally, the freedom to own and use guns. It may be odd to think of it today, but in those days every person was notresponsible for his own security and guns were not compulsorily owned by everyone. Our Lord cleansed the people of softening, unmanning security provided by state agencies and taught them to be individualistic defenders of their right to bear arms – and to keep their mouth shut about their thoughts. He made them true he-men again.
It is known that at the time there were those opponents of Our Lord who wished to give him a peach. A peach was some kind of fruit. One really does not know why giving one a peach would be something done to insult or harm the person, but there can be no other connotation of the word – impeach – that makes sense. Naturally, the peach was banned and eradicated under the inspired papacy of Donald III so there can never be such an insult offered to Our Lord again.
Of course, today, we all bear guns as constantly as we wear clothing and we are never – never! – away from our guns further than we can reach. Also we have virtually eradicated those evil “police” agencies whose function now is only to hunt down and destroy dissenters, abortionists, and homosexuals. That is how the Lord wanted it.
This is how Our Lord united the people and later, this led them to take over, subdue and then rule over the decadent, peace loving world. All this should be remembered.
Of course, I have not mentioned the main circumstance that made this conquest possible – the sudden warming of the planet brought about by Our Lord, which brought fire, famine, flood and disaster on the impious and the unbelieving. This created so much chaos and so much infighting that Our Lord’s message took over the world with not too many years gone.
But that brings us to our current situation.
Today, the world has been cleansed by Our Lord’s divine fire; there are no pockets of resistance left; all lesser hordes of Evil have been vanquished without a trace; and now we should bear the fruit of our long patience, our long endurance. But…
The food is running out. The lands are destroyed, the rivers run dry. Our fields produce nothing but hay. Disease – disease we thought had been destroyed with the homosexuals and fornicators – is coming back to ravage us, to sap our will. Our women have begun to defy us, to demand equality again. And there are mysterious mutterings that young people are beginning to have sex without church sanction and aborting the monsters they breed in hidden dens of evil. There are mutterings that men have sex with men, women with women, and that they speak of a world without the Church of the Lord.
And, all this while, we have to be on constant guard against our own men going insane with the malign influence of Evil and running amok with the guns Our Lord won for us.
Starvation, disease, immorality, violence – we are approaching the End Times.
Unless we act immediately and ruthlessly, we are doomed. This is what I must impress on the council; this is what I must bring to the notice of his Temporal Holiness Pope Dick as well. His Holiness has grown slack in recent days – he is spending too much time hunting animals and scheming for profit and too little in his work of administration. If I were not of a long line of loyal First Assistants I may have planned to dethrone him.
Oh Lord, Lord, why do you chastise your servants thus? Do we not worship at your altar? Do we not bear our guns with pride and suffer not the abortionist or the homosexual to live? Do we not look at profit, first and foremost, over all other things in the Universe? Do we not promote Doctrine above all scientific “fact”?
It is time for a new crusade, a crusade against the immoral, corrupt, diseased and heretical among our own people. It is at least essential, if for no other reason than that the food supplies will only suffice for a tiny minority of our current population.
Such a crusade will need an excuse, a regrettable but necessary trigger point.
Show us, Lord, where and when we should strike.
Copyright B Purkayastha 2007