The Moon Is Made Of Green Cheese

Proposition: the moon is made of green cheese.

Proof:

1.    I say the moon is made of green cheese, therefore it is made of green cheese. Do you know who I am? How dare you doubt the word of a person of my social status and political clout?

2.    I have faith in the proposition that the moon is made of green cheese. Any suggestion that the moon is, in fact, not made of green cheese would militate against that faith. Faith, as is well-known, is independent of proof. In fact, faith has to ignore proof, and go directly contrary to proof, if it is to have any meaning. Therefore, the moon is made of green cheese.

3.    The great prophet Roquefort di Gorgonzola, Blessed be His Name, proclaimed that the moon is made of green cheese. Since every word uttered by the prophet is divinely ordained, it is incumbent on every one of his followers to believe that the moon is made of green cheese. Any claim that the moon is not made of green cheese is an affront to their sensibilities, or, as we love to say in this country, it “hurts their sentiments”.

4.    Science, it appears, claims the moon is not made of green cheese. This is the same science that gave us nuclear bombs, boom boxes, and Michael Jackson’s facial reconstruction, not to speak of global warming (don’t tell me it would have happened if the scientists hadn’t claimed it was happening. It’s all the scientists’ fault!). Since anything that gives us such dangerous “gifts” is – can only be – evil, therefore, we must oppose it in every way and so we must also believe (it is our duty to believe) that the moon is made of green cheese.

5.    Also, science isn’t certain of anything. One day they say the Universe will collapse, another day they say it will expand forever; one day they say modern humans are half a million years old, another day they say three-quarters of a million, and so on. They aren’t even ashamed of not knowing – they say uncertainty is part of the scientific process. Well, let me ask you, would you rather be uncertain of something or be a hundred percent, dependably, sure of it? The latter, right? So, be sure the moon is made of green cheese, and stick to that belief.

6.    There are so many practical benefits of the moon being made of green cheese. For instance, if we can make a shuttle service from the moon to the earth, we can mine cheese and use it to alleviate world hunger. Also, we can set up bases on the moon where astronauts can live round the year without troubling about their food supply; all they’d have to do is go down to the basement and eat the walls. Isn’t that an enticing thought? Of course they’d probably get disgustingly fat, but you can’t have everything, can you?

7.     What’s that you say? Some people went up to the moon, and other people sent rockets up to the moon, and both sets of characters decided the moon was not made of green cheese? There you go again. I ask you, did these people examine each and every particle of the moon’s mass? Unless each and every molecule of the moon has been examined, how can you, or anyone, say for sure that the moon is not made of green cheese? Unless and until each and every molecule has been checked and found not to be of green cheese, even the most hardened sceptic among you must allow for the possibility that there might be part of the moon that’s made of green cheese. Isn’t that so?

8.    If the moon is made of green cheese, it implies a green cheese maker, and milk from which to make green cheese, which proves the existence of a green-cheese-milk producing buffalo or cow, and also of someone to make the cheese. All that ought to fill everyone with wonder and happiness and a fuzzy warm feeling inside; so much better than Big Bang nonsense.

9.    If you oppose my right to say the moon is made of green cheese, you’re an evildoing freedom-hater who’s helping the terrorists win. Therefore the moon is made of green cheese.

10.    The moon is made of green cheese, because if you say it isn’t, I’ll kill you.

QED.