“Good morning, son. How are you today?”
“Jai Shri Ram, dad. You should never say ‘good morning’, don’t you know? It’s a Western greeting, a threat to our culture.”
“What? Who told you that?”
“Everyone knows that, dad. Didn’t someone say it on TV only yesterday? All Hindus should greet each other with Jai Shri Ram.”
“Someone said that, did they? All right, we’ll talk about it later. Have you done your homework?”
“No. I won’t do my homework.”
“Why ever not?”
“All of it is false. I was supposed to study in science that the aeroplane was invented by the Wright brothers and the radio by some Marconi but everyone knows that the aeroplane and radio, like everything else, were invented by the ancient Hindus.”
“They were, were they?”
“Yes, and that’s not all. My history homework says that the Taj Mahal was built by a Mughal oppressor but everyone knows it was really a Hindu temple called the Tejo Mahalaya. Some great scientist said this.”
“My god. You’re making my head spin.”
“So of course you see that I can’t do the homework.”
“I think I should talk to your teacher. What does she think about it?”
“Who cares what she thinks about it? She should stay home and learn to make chapattis for her husband. All women should stay home and learn to make chapattis for their husbands.”
“I wonder what your mother would say if she heard you say this.”
“She had better not say anything. Or the Sri Ram Sene will discipline her.”
“The Sri Ram Sene? But that’s a Hindu group from South India.”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’ve just formed the local branch of the Sri Ram Sene.”
“Oh, have you then? My head is going round and round. I’m feeling dizzy!”
“Wait, dad, you sit down and rest. I’ll get you something fizzy to drink.”
“That’s thoughtful of you, son.”
“Here you are, dad.”
“Pffffffffffffffffft!!!!”
“Don’t you like it?”
“What on earth was that? It tastes like cow urine!”
“It is cow urine. I went out today and got it from the cow that hangs around the garbage bin down the street.”
“Are you mad? Have you gone completely insane?”
“No, not at all. It’s a patriotic Hindu drink, much better than foreign drinks like Coke which are against Indian culture. The RSS said so. And speaking of the RSS...”
“What?”
“How dare you have only one child? The RSS says each Hindu family must have seven children, or otherwise the Muslims will outbreed us and destroy Hinduism. Why did you stop after only me?”
“Don’t you think one of you is enough?”
“How will we fight the Muslims and the Christians and the pseudo-seculars if every one of us thought that way then? How will we fight the terrorists?”
“Don’t you think that there are more important things to do in life than fighting Muslims and Christians?”
“Now that you mention it, there is. This evening my friends and I will go out and beat up girls.”
“Why?”
“They go out wearing lipstick and alone or with men who they are not married to, especially Muslim men. It is pub culture. It’s against Indian culture. We’re only defending Indian culture.”
“Son, tell me, seriously, what do you want to do with your life?”
“Yes, I wanted to tell you that I have decided to join the army.”
“Join the army? I had hoped that you would want to study for an MBA. Why do you want to join the army?”
“So that I can be a colonel and help arm and train Hindu groups and spread Hindu propaganda.”
BOOM!
“What was that?”
“Oh, that must have been the bomb I was making in the shed. It must have gone off somehow.”
“You were making a bomb in the shed? You are mad! Now the police will come.”
“Don’t worry, dad. Calm down. Nothing will happen.”
“How do you mean nothing will happen? They will arrest us all for being terrorists.”
“Everyone knows Hindus can never be terrorists.”
“Jai Shri Ram, dad. You should never say ‘good morning’, don’t you know? It’s a Western greeting, a threat to our culture.”
“What? Who told you that?”
“Everyone knows that, dad. Didn’t someone say it on TV only yesterday? All Hindus should greet each other with Jai Shri Ram.”
“Someone said that, did they? All right, we’ll talk about it later. Have you done your homework?”
“No. I won’t do my homework.”
“Why ever not?”
“All of it is false. I was supposed to study in science that the aeroplane was invented by the Wright brothers and the radio by some Marconi but everyone knows that the aeroplane and radio, like everything else, were invented by the ancient Hindus.”
“They were, were they?”
“Yes, and that’s not all. My history homework says that the Taj Mahal was built by a Mughal oppressor but everyone knows it was really a Hindu temple called the Tejo Mahalaya. Some great scientist said this.”
“My god. You’re making my head spin.”
“So of course you see that I can’t do the homework.”
“I think I should talk to your teacher. What does she think about it?”
“Who cares what she thinks about it? She should stay home and learn to make chapattis for her husband. All women should stay home and learn to make chapattis for their husbands.”
“I wonder what your mother would say if she heard you say this.”
“She had better not say anything. Or the Sri Ram Sene will discipline her.”
“The Sri Ram Sene? But that’s a Hindu group from South India.”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’ve just formed the local branch of the Sri Ram Sene.”
“Oh, have you then? My head is going round and round. I’m feeling dizzy!”
“Wait, dad, you sit down and rest. I’ll get you something fizzy to drink.”
“That’s thoughtful of you, son.”
“Here you are, dad.”
“Pffffffffffffffffft!!!!”
“Don’t you like it?”
“What on earth was that? It tastes like cow urine!”
“It is cow urine. I went out today and got it from the cow that hangs around the garbage bin down the street.”
“Are you mad? Have you gone completely insane?”
“No, not at all. It’s a patriotic Hindu drink, much better than foreign drinks like Coke which are against Indian culture. The RSS said so. And speaking of the RSS...”
“What?”
“How dare you have only one child? The RSS says each Hindu family must have seven children, or otherwise the Muslims will outbreed us and destroy Hinduism. Why did you stop after only me?”
“Don’t you think one of you is enough?”
“How will we fight the Muslims and the Christians and the pseudo-seculars if every one of us thought that way then? How will we fight the terrorists?”
“Don’t you think that there are more important things to do in life than fighting Muslims and Christians?”
“Now that you mention it, there is. This evening my friends and I will go out and beat up girls.”
“Why?”
“They go out wearing lipstick and alone or with men who they are not married to, especially Muslim men. It is pub culture. It’s against Indian culture. We’re only defending Indian culture.”
“Son, tell me, seriously, what do you want to do with your life?”
“Yes, I wanted to tell you that I have decided to join the army.”
“Join the army? I had hoped that you would want to study for an MBA. Why do you want to join the army?”
“So that I can be a colonel and help arm and train Hindu groups and spread Hindu propaganda.”
BOOM!
“What was that?”
“Oh, that must have been the bomb I was making in the shed. It must have gone off somehow.”
“You were making a bomb in the shed? You are mad! Now the police will come.”
“Don’t worry, dad. Calm down. Nothing will happen.”
“How do you mean nothing will happen? They will arrest us all for being terrorists.”
“Everyone knows Hindus can never be terrorists.”
Copyright B Purkayastha 2009
Brilliant!
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