Hell, it's a nice place

Here we go again.

I believe that I can prove for you folks today, for your entire satisfaction, that hell is at least as pleasant as heaven, if not more so.

How?

Well, as usual, we begin by assuming hell exists, as does heaven, and the devil and god reign over each, respectively.

Now forget the twaddle about being hurled down, if I were an all powerful monarch of any place, I’d make sure I was as comfortable as I could ever be.

So, whatever conditions Lucifer found in Hell when he ceased to be Star of the Morning, he would try to make them as livable as possible. If he has power over hell, he can do that.

I mean, even prisoners in jail try and decorate their cells, and Lucifer, that malign influence that stalks the globe, is more powerful than any lifer, aren’t I right?

So, either hell would cease to be the morass of fire or the waste of eternal cold (the Norse Hell) or whatever, and would really become rather pleasant – or else the devil would adapt to hell. He would become (and his imps and demons would too) inured to those conditions – eternal heat, say.

And where would you find eternal heat? Why, in the centre of the earth…or the sun…or any planet with a magnetic field.

I believe I may have actually located hell, then. Or hells. And heaven? (Shrugs shoulders).

With me so far?

All right, I’ll get back to the topic. Apart from the obvious fact that if we intend to explore the interiors of planets or stars the proper evolutionary apparatus include horns, hooves and a barbed tail, we can also infer something. Not just the fact that since the devil can walk the earth, those organs must make one pretty powerful in the temporal realm as well. Yes, Bush might want to know that, but I meant something else. Something important.

Look, no monarch in history has ever survived when his subjects are restless and unhappy. Said monarch will have to constantly be suppressing them, or he’ll be overthrown – just look at Baby Doc Duvalier or Jean Bedel Bokassa for recent examples. It makes ruling much easier if your subjects are at least reasonably happy – look at Margrethe for instance, or Bhumibol Adulyadej, no one’s suggesting a republic in those countries yet!

So, in order to keep away dissent and make life easier for himself (even god couldn’t prevent the organisation of a coup attempt by Lucifer himself, so he knows the lesson first hand) Lucifer would do well to keep everyone in Hell happy, from Beelzebub to the veriest newcomer, the Reverend Jerry Falwell for example.

That is the first reason why Hell will either be fairly like a resort, or else the inmates will be changed sufficiently so that they feel as though the facilities are something like a resort.

Then again, if one’s going to suffer for all eternity, what’s the point of giving the charge of the punishment to Lucifer? If he is evil, his sympathies will be with those he’s supposed to punish, right? So he will go easy on them, won’t he? Otherwise he’ll be the one hating evil, right?

And then the third reason, last but not least, as they say. If Lucifer’s going to get more people to join him in his efforts to spread evil, shouldn’t he offer generous compensation packages? After all, what are a few years of pleasure compared to eternities of torment?

No, hell is a pleasant place. It’s heaven I’ve doubts about.