This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (Review)

Genre:Action & Adventure
There are times in life when you come across a film so sublime, so incredible, that it's time to step back, gasp, and say admiringly, "How did I ever survive so long without this coming into my life?"

Now I've seen (I watched it on YouTube, which has the whole thing in ten parts, uploaded by some kind soul) this film, I can say authoritatively that I can now die content.

There are films that one would have thought couldn't be done. There are films that one could have thought shouldn't be done. And there is Megalodon.

{Before I go any further: Carcharocles/Carcharodon (the scientists aren't sure which) megalodon was an extinct species of shark, variously estimated to measure from 15 - 25 metres in length, that cruised the seas about 25 million to 1.5 million years ago. There are those who fervently hope it's still alive, down in the deep blue yonder. Yeah, and there's the Loch Ness Monster, too...someday I ought to review "Beneath Loch Ness".}

So let's go on to the movie, shall we?

Some research team down in the ocean wakes (what else?) Megalodon, which immediately begins wreaking (what else?) havoc on a bunch of tourists. The whole thing takes place in Mexico but was filmed in...Bulgaria, with Bulgarians standing in for Mexicans. You get the picture?

And so it begins. Megalodon swims up to a couple fucking in the ocean and eats a tiger shark that's about to eat them (nice helpful Megalodon - and if you look carefully at the Mega-tiger clash it's clear that they put in a video of a great white shark attacking a seal). It then comes and creates mayhem on a beach, does sundry other stunts like eating a parasailer and one of the crew of her tug motorboat, etc etc. And in case you wonder if the makers of this thing ever watched "Jaws", fear not - they included that famous visual of a severed leg spinning into the depths and another of Megalodon breaking into the interior of a boat (where it's fought off by the heroine taking a shotgun out of the water and shooting it).

And did I mention that the shark grunts and roars?

Oh yeah - two more points. The first is that the film has probably the most infallible pick-up line in movie history, which I strongly suggest you try out on your next blind date: "What do you say that I take you home and eat your pooter?"

And the second point is that this is the film of the Incredible Expandable Shark, which grows or shrinks depending on what it wants to eat. It swallows whole, among other things, a life raft full of people, a jet ski, and a motorboat. It can take a submarine in its mouth, too. Yes, that's right. A sub.

Yet it also is small enough to take nibbles out of a human in the shallows without being visible...

Useful evolutionary adaptation, wouldn't you say?

To say more about this film would be to gild the lily. Five stars are insufficient. Go to YouTube and watch it.

And then take a deep breath and try to stop laughing.

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