This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Saturday, 24 November 2012

The Feast Trilogy: Review


Got that? Good.

OK, now, we are in Smalltown, yes, Smalltown, somewhere in the deserts of the US Southwest. In a bar situated somewhere in the middle of the desert, people are talking and drinking when a hero named...Hero...enters, announcing that he’s going to save everyone’s asses for them. That’s a moment before he’s pulled through the window and eaten, and the bar full of people finds themselves besieged by monsters. These monsters are baaad...among other things, they have needle teeth and claws, and their vomit can cause you to dissolve.

Since apparently the thing called a mobile phone doesn’t exist in the world of Smalltown, and since the phone isn’t working (no wonder, after being hit by a shotgun blast) the bar is cut off from the world, and the monsters go to work. And I mean literally to work: when the people kill a young monster, its parents quickly have sex and produce two babies to help them in the assault. Good enough for you?

The night goes on in a series of battles, double-crosses, gross-out jokes and ends with three of the five survivors driving off into the dawn (one has already vanished with a truck meant to rescue everyone, and as for the barman, he’s alive but with a slashed throat), and the monsters take over the bar and serve themselves whisky, one assumes.

OK, now, Part Two. Cut to a motorcycle driving up to the bar. A man...oh my dog, no, it’s a woman...a BIKER, strike that, she’s BIKER QUEEN...gets off, with a shotgun which she uses to murder a dog carrying a human hand. It turns out that the hand belongs to one of the dead from Part One, who happens to be the BIKER QUEEN’s sister. And BIKER QUEEN is out to take revenge. Apparently this “revenge” includes beating up the bartender, whose name is Bartender, and tie him to the back of her bike, slashed throat and all.

Cut to Smalltown, where a midget fucking a woman has her ripped out from under him and eaten by monsters. Hell, the town is overrun with monsters, and the few survivors, basically two midget Hispanic wrestler brothers (repeat, two midget Spanish wrestler brothers called Thunder and Lightning), their grandma, a sleazy used car salesman (the Token Black of the film), his unfaithful and ditzy wife, and her boyfriend await the dawn and rescue. Rescue turns out to be a gang of biker chicks led by BIKER QUEEN looking for revenge. Meanwhile, the survivor from Part One who grabbed a truck and ran away (she’s Honey Pie; you better believe it) is hiding in the town. Why? Who knows? Maybe the truck ran out of petrol? How does it matter anyway?

Some things you learn (in no particular order) from Part Two:

Monsters can rape cats to produce monster/cat hybrids;

A dead monster can fart, pee over you, and spray vomit over your grandma while you’re cutting it up to see what makes it tick;

A locksmith can make a key for a lock by looking at it through binoculars from across the street;

A baby, if thrown into the air, can float and float like a balloon until it goes SPLAT!! on the road and the monsters chew it up;

A man can survive a pipe rammed through his head;

Topless biker girls make great background scenery while you use their bras to fashion a catapult. Yes. I said that. You use their bras to fashion a catapult, which you intend to use to hurl the midgets across the street to make their way into the jail, which a hobo called Hobo has turned into a strongpoint. And the topless biker chicks are called Tat Girl and Tit Girl. Yes, I know, I know.

OK, now these parts, Two and Three, are actually part of one single movie broken into two to let the viewers, you know, recover their senses a bit. So, let me just give you a few more highlights from Part Three. Things, boys and girls, that you never knew:

A monster can rip your head off, eat it, and defecate it before your body has fallen to the ground. No wonder the monsters are so hungry; how do they ever digest anything?

You can survive being ripped in half and having your intestines dragged over the street if you’re a Hispanic midget wrestler;

If you’re a hero, or a Hero, you’re dead meat, even if your name is Shitkicker. Don’t even bother trying;

You can survive a dynamite blast without a scratch if you’re a midget hiding under a dustbin, even if the dynamite is under the same dustbin;

If you're a Token Black Guy, you can be raped through a tiny hole in a metal wall by a monster, get impregnated, and produce a hybrid Black Monster in approximately thirty seconds;

Hearing aid whine can act as monster repellent;

All you need to make a gun is a bullet, a hammer, and a pipe rammed through your boyfriend’s head;

You can blow someone’s entire arm off with the powder charge from a single bullet, poured into a wound and set alight, and, yes, that Rambo III is NOT a good source of medical advice;

You don’t bleed to death if you’ve just lost both arms; in fact, you can still kick people to death with your legs. Awesome!

You can kill a Black Monster hybrid by biting it;

Random giant robots can come out of nowhere to stamp you to a mush...and...

Should I go on?

What the hell, go watch it all yourselves. Just don’t forget to check in your sense of decency and good taste at the door.

A word about the ratings: I decided to give it two stars overall because:

Part One gets three stars, basically due to its mocking of every Monster Movie trope you can think of;

Part Two, due to its shameless and entertaining assault on common sense, gets as many as two stars and

Part Three gets one star, and at least half of that one star comes from the most WTF? ending in B-movie history.

And I’m told there is to be a Part Four. Eat me, please.

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