This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Monday, 26 November 2012

The New National Animal

The national animal of India is, officially, the tiger.

That doesn’t really mean all that much of a big deal because there are, by official count, about 1400 tigers left in the entire country. And that – being an official census – is likely to be far inflated. After all, all these years we were being told that the conservation efforts, named Project Tiger, were bringing the tiger back from the brink of extinction, and that they were increasing in numbers every year.

And then, suddenly, there were tiger sanctuaries – like Sariska – without a single tiger left, as even the government had to concede. And try as I might, I can’t see a future India which still has space for a single wild animal to survive, let alone the tiger.

So, India needs a new national animal. Which?

We can’t go back to the lion, which was the national animal before the tiger. Lions are found only in a small patch of forest in one tiny pocket of India; and there are only about three hundred left, if that.

How about the cow, then? The cow is superficially attractive, because it’s beloved of the Hindunazis and revered by the hoi polloi. But not everyone worships the cow, and here in the North East of the country we eat it without a qualm. You can’t eat a national animal, and we aren’t ready to give up beef – not yet and not ever.

But then it came to me, the perfect new national animal. It’s so ideally suited to the Indian mentality and Indian conditions that I can only wonder that I’d never thought of it before...

Indians, you see, are dirty; even our Environment Minister recently said that we’d win a Nobel prize in dirt if one was on offer. This animal is dirty. Like Indians, it adores garbage, shuns cleanliness, and thrives on ordure of any and all description.

Indians are, by and large, the ugliest people I know of. This animal will never win beauty prizes, anywhere, anytime.

Indians are everywhere. They squeeze into every niche, infesting every place they find has the slightest hint of an opportunity. This creature, too, does exactly the same thing.

Indians don’t need houses to live in; if required, they’ll sleep on the streets. This animal doesn’t need any nest or bolt hole. Any dark corner will do.

Indians breed and breed without compunction, far in excess of their own ability to care for their offspring. This creature breeds at incredible rates and makes no attempt even to care for its offspring.

Indians, by and large, are not known for a high level of national intelligence. This creature is monumentally stupid.

Indians have no problems with crime and corruption. Corruption, of a more biological sort, is what the animal I’m thinking of lives for.

Indians, especially in the urban slums, are virtually walking bags of disease germs. These creatures are ambulatory transports of disease germs.

Indians are noisy and always make a buzz around themselves. This creature can literally not help making a noise when it is active.

Apart from this, there’s the signal fact that this creature is in no danger of ever becoming extinct, no matter what happens. Nobody even needs to raise a finger to ensure its conservation. Wow!

Yes, the more I think of it, the more I feel I’ve found it...

My fellow citizens, behold your new National Animal:

The housefly.

No comments:

Post a Comment