This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Agent 006: Licennce to Shill

My name’s Bomb, James Bomb.” 

Agent 006 leaned forward and looked deeply into the eyes of the lovely woman opposite him. “I’ll have a beer, shaken, not stirred,” he said out of the corner of his handsome mouth to the barman. The barman shook the beer and opened the bottle. The foam shot out and fell all over the lovely woman’s arm. Without looking, Agent 006 took a revolver from a shoulder holster and shot the barman dead.

“That’s for messing up a lovely lady,” he muttered out of the corner of his handsome mouth. “Now, my dear, where should we go, to your place or mine? No, it’s got to be your place. I forgot the dead blonde in my bed...” he thought for a moment. “Sorry, I forgot N’s orders. I have to go and wipe out the Evil World Conquest Organisation before dinner.” 

“Shall I see you again, James?” asked the lovely woman, her eyes wet with frustrated lust.

“Who knows, my dear, who knows...” Agent 006 smiled at her from his rugged, handsome face, and went out to his ultra-modern, gadget-fitted, super-car, leaving her to pay the bill and answer police queries about the dead barman. He swung his toned, athletic body behind the wheel and drove off for the tall white building that housed the corporate headquarters of the Evil World Conquest Organisation.

“Damn,” he thought to himself, as he used his cigarette lighter, the one with the hidden radio capable of communicating with the Secret Moon base, to light a slim cigarette, “I really must remember to renew my product endorsement contracts. I should be getting money from this tobacco company for using its stuff.”

The Bad Guys made an attempt to intercept him on the way, attacking his car with one of their own. But Agent 006’s keen eyes missed nothing. As he pressed a button, a deadly hail of titanium needles flew from the back of his car and impaled ten innocent bystanders and a traffic policeman on a motorcycle. Except for crashing through a wheelbarrow of fruit, the Bad Guys weren’t affected. Agent 006 then pressed another button and his car grew wings and flew through the air, setting off alarms about a possible terrorist attack. Several kilometres away, a trigger-happy fighter pilot on anti-terror patrol promptly fired a missile and shot down an airliner, earning a commendation for alertness and a cool head under pressure.

Meanwhile, Agent 006 arrived at the white building with the logo of the Evil World Conquest Organisation, which, as a cover of course, manufactured condoms, above the door. The armed guards at the entrance looked at 006 but before they could raise their hands to ask him to stop, he had pressed another button and his car released a cloud of gas so fetid that the guards fled, for shelter, into a public toilet. Agent 006 jumped out of the car and strode into the building, looking as handsome as he could for the benefit of the security cameras. He saw a beautiful woman walking along the lobby and gravitated to her at once.

“You’re the personal secretary of the Chairman of the Evil World Conquest Organisation, aren’t you?” he asked her, with his most charming smile. “Let’s save time and go to bed at once, and after that you can show me the Chairman’s personal Evil Time Machine which he uses to capture and imprison top weapons scientists and forces them to create warped and twisted condoms for his nefarious ends.”

“Let’s go then,” said the secretary, completely won over, and led him into a plush bedroom with flowers on the bedside table. She began taking off her clothes, and, as Agent 006 turned his back for a moment to loosen his tie, she took a gun from her suspenders and shoved it into the small of his back. “Hands up,” she said.

After she had tied Agent 006 to a secret nuclear device that looked exactly like a drinks refrigerator in the corner, so tightly that even he couldn’t move, she went to the internal phone to call the bosses of the Evil World Conquest Organisation and inform them of the capture.

“Wait a moment!” called Agent 006, confused and worried. “How did you ever resist my charms? No woman can ever resist me. It’s a natural law!”

“Oh,” she grinned, clicking on the timer for the nuclear device. “That’s simple. Your law just never made allowances for a lesbian, that’s all.” 

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