This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Borat!: Cultural Learnings of India for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan...

I, Borat Sagdiyev, welcoming myself to glorious nation of India to seeing how cow land going. Very nice, I thinked, am on time, but than plane circling, circling, two hours over Delhi because landing system not working in fog. Must be homosexuals or terrorists sabotaging, I thinked, but they sayed me that being normal for winter, every year for past fifty or sixty this happening, but nobody interested in corecting. Finally plane landing in Delhi when everybody thinking we will stay up there all night and maybe next two days too.
In any case, aftarward I being in line for custom and then in taxi. Taxi asking what I think very reasonable price. In Kazakhstan we can be buying four wives for that price, but in Kazakhstan wives very cheap. Anyway, taxi takings me out into desert forest and than back on other side Delhi. Where you going, I asking taxi man. He saying Sahib, taking you to very good place, you be liking. I say fine, I wantings seeing India. He than driving past road where man and female woman of opposite sex and also policemans throwing stones, and crying and shouting. I asking why? Taxi man saying, Sahib, these being sealing drive. Seals everywhere on shops.
But I not being able see seals. No seals at all. On shops, on roads. I wondering where seals coming, so far from sea. Escape from zoo? I ask, but taxi man saying, no sahib, this being sealing on shop, bcause not legal shops. I say, I understand, in Kazakhstan also illegal Gypsy shops being shut as soon as governement see them. But taxi man saying, no, these being there for many, many years, these people paying bribes, therfore thinking shops should be OK, because they paying bribes. Interesting. I must suggest to my sister Natalya. She would be loving to pay bribes to make her whorehouse legal.
All right, we coming to crossraods, then stopping for long because  long line white cars going with red lights. What these, I asked, taxi man sayed Prime Minister or Minister going. Good idea, I thinking, in Kazakhstan must suggest this. Our President not being impressive enough, going by single car and helicopter and so on. Just then child coming to window and asking to be selling something, beggar at other window also. I buyed packet fruit from child, gived beggar. Taxi man saying, Sahib, why you buying? Child parents making sexy time only to have him, then they put him on raods. Not putting in school. No school, anyway, just shed in field, no wall, no roof, no teacher. I sayed, You know this? He sayed, Sahib, always same. All villages like this, where low castes live.
I sayed, low castes, you mean like Kazakhstan, where women being low caste, just above krutzouli animal, but he saying, no Sahib, this being like man and female woman and children too, they being low caste, and when they sweeping dirt, not being able to touch before. Now being able to touch, but getting government jobs reservation, but no schools or hospitals though. No point giving schools and hospitals if getting reservation already, he sayed. You mean, I asked, reservation people beings like Jews and Gypsies? I can hit Gypsy with rock at 15 metres, I saying, how far you can hit low caste? I don't know, he sayed, but in Gujarat pride riots I killed Muslim at 10 metres with petrolbomb. 
Delhi roads being intaresting. Cars going every which way, at top speed, taxi man also. he sayed, Sahib, you look race drivers like new Michael Shoo-maker, you looking here. Also I see cows on street. Interesting, I seing some bus with not women but men also on outside. I asking, this being emancipation, that men also not allowed inside bus? No, taxi man saying, this just being population in rush hour. Government saying more children being more working hands. Before they were saying have less children. Government not being able to make up mind. I maked sympathetic noises, asking how many children taxi man having. Seven, he sayed, RSS saying duty of Hindus to have at least seven, besides he having six girls and needing at least one boy, no? Absolutely right, I telled him, women should be caught by horns and throwed down well, but you be careful of teeth, except if they be prostitutes.
Then we coming to tall red pillar. You want seeing this, Sahib, taxi man seeing. Hotel not that far, you can seeing before we go. This be Qutb Minar. You know it? Good, I sayed, I seeing. When I went in I seeing stone pillar with writing Praveen Loves Parul. I asked, these are names king and queen who built this thing? No, they telling me, this being lovers writing. Oh, I saying, and going back to car. 
I telling Taxi man then, let go back to airport, I wanting to go back to Kazakhstan and instilling all good things I see here in India formake benefit glorious nation of kazakhstan. I not needing to stay here any longer.  I will make new film on India also, aftar this US and A one. In mean time, you seeing my fan site and website, OK?
And you stay cool. If necessary stay out of hot house and sit outside with pigs, women and cows in the shade.

No comments:

Post a Comment