This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Friday, 12 October 2012

Commandments Of The Road

To thee, O Indian road-user:


In that thou may’st exert the full freedom divinely granted thee, to make such use of all roads, pathways, tracks, streets, highways and thoroughfares, here unto thee I deliver these Commandments, through my divine Servant the Truck Driver, which thou shalt commit to heart and mind for all time, forever and ever, amen;

Firstly, if thou art a motorist or motorcyclist:

First Commandment: Thou shalt ignore, forthwith, all redundant and superfluous attempts to impose restrictions on thy freedom, such as: STOP SIGNS, TRAFFIC LIGHTS, NO-HORN ZONES or SPEED LIMITS; for freedom is a Divine Gift and any and all attempts to restrict such are a crime against My person.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt feel free to ignore all pleas, warnings, admonishments or direct orders to wear or use safety features such as SEAT BELTS or HELMETS; for the lack of such may hasten thy journey to Me, which, as thou knowest, is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Third Commandment: Any sign that says NO PARKING means, in reality, PARK HERE. If there is no sign, park there anyway. Any place occupied by thee is a place won over to Me. Do not scruple to block the entrance or exit routes of other motorists; it is their lookout what they do, not thine.

Fourth Commandment: There is no such thing as a Rule of the Road. Thou shalt use every millimetre of space, and never give a millimetre. If that means overtaking on the left or precipitating a traffic jam, so be it.
Corollary to the Fourth Commandment: Thou shalt never give way to traffic waiting to merge into the flow, even if such traffic has the right of way, even if said traffic has actually begun turning into the traffic stream.

Fifth Commandment: Thou shalt never, under any circumstances, signal a turn before actually turning. Such behaviour encourages laziness and sloth, and discourages those heights of alertness why thou, as My creation, shall maintain against the Evil One.

Sixth Commandment: Thou shalt never use the low beam at night. Thou shalt, indeed, try to blind all incoming traffic with thy high beams, so that the occupants of those vehicles will have to squint sideways through their eyelashes to see what lies ahead. This will train them to detect all threatening lures and traps laid for them by the Evil One.

Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt use the horn as a weapon. All failing, thou shalt sit in thy vehicle and blast away until the obstacle is cleared, even if the obstacle is a wall or some such immovable object. If faith can move mountains, horns can move fountains.

Eighth Commandment: Thou shalt never take the trouble of learning such things as regulations or take a driving test. It is far more blessed to spread a little wealth around by bribing thy way to a driver’s licence, than to have such licence granted by authority gratis except the prescribed fee. Remember, the driving instructor and the licensing officer have families too. A little charity to them brings thee closer to My heart.

Ninth Commandment: Acquire, as early as possible, as ridiculously large a vehicle as possible. The larger thy vehicle, the more thy clout, literally speaking, on the road. If thou canst, then get thyself an SUV. An SUV is better than a car, and grants its driver more rights, just as a car is better than a motorcycle and grants its driver more rights. And if thou be a truck driver, rejoice; for thou are the King of the Road, indeed.

Tenth Commandment: If thou be the owner of a new vehicle, then feel free to adorn it with as many superfluous and possibly dangerous accoutrements as thou canst; outsize tyres, opaque black film over the windows, outsize and blinding windscreen toys, bling in every shape, size and degree of ugliness, welcome. And if thou be the owner of an old vehicle, take care never to try to make it truly roadworthy: for the more smoke and noise it produces, the more it blinds the eyes and deafens the ears of the Evil One.

Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt drink and drive. Why the hell not?

Second, if thou be a bicyclist or rickshaw-driver:

For thee, I have only one Commandment: THERE ARE NO RULES. Do what thou willst; go where thou wishest; thou art an agent untrammelled and free.

Third, if thou be a traffic policeman:

Remember, thou, thy one and only Commandment: thy only purpose of existence is to extort money from every commercial truck that passeth. That is all that matters. A thousand violations of the rules may pass under thy eyes; but thou shalt have thy donation to thy favourite charity from the commercial truck, even if that costeth lives and property.

Fourth, if thou be a fuel seller:

First Commandment: Thou shalt adulterate, adulterate, and adulterate the fuel thou sellest. This is one in the eye of the Arabs, from whose lands the oil comes and who follow a different God than Me, and who have accordingly incurred My displeasure. Adulterating the fuel allows thee to make a little petrol or diesel go a long way, and cuts into the profit of those who follow the heathen Arab God.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt fiddle with the meters, so that when thou sellest ten litres by the meter, in reality thou sellest 8.5, or 9. Because of the enhanced price of the fuel in actual terms per unit sold, people will be discouraged from using their vehicles as far as possible. This will save on wear and tear, and make Me happy indeed.

Fifth, if thou be a car manufacturer:

First Commandment: Bribe thy local government to reduce or eliminate all public transport, so that people shall buy thy products; and, furthermore, bribe them so as to destroy, through neglect, all possible streets so that people buy SUVs and other overpriced, overbuilt vehicles despite the fact  that in reality they do not need them at all.

Second Commandment: Keep extolling the anti-polluting nature of the engines thou produceth; even though thou be in the firm knowledge that the adulterated nature of the fuel renders such nature meaningless, or worse.

Sixth, if thou be a pedestrian:

Son/Daughter of Mine, thou art My favoured Child, and verily I do say unto thee, follow My  Commandments and thou shalt be with Me in My Kingdom of Heaven:

First Commandment: Thou shalt never wait for traffic to stop or for the road to be clear in order to cross; thou shalt do it when and where is convenient. At the most thou shalt hold up one hand, and expect the traffic to cease its course for thee, as the Red Sea verily did part for Moses.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt ignore all such things as overbridges, Zebra crossings, walk/don’t walk lights, or pedestrian subways meant to aid thee cross; for such short cuts and easy ways are the work of the Evil One, and meant to distract thee from the true Path, which is never easy, and which is not for Cowards and Wimps.

Third Commandment: Ignore all pavements, for they are the haunts of the Evil One and his minions. Walk on the road, side by side, gossiping. If traffic is disturbed, let it be; thou art thou, and answerable to no one. Except Me.

And Seventh and Last, but not the Least, one Great Commandment forEveryone: Thou hast heard it said often enough, that the road is not thy father’s property; by the same token, it is not the property of the sires of those who say to thee that it is not thy father’s property. Use it, accordingly, as if it is the property of No One. Thy progenitor’s property enjoins care and maintenance and respect; that of No One is free to use, and abuse, as thou wishest.

In My name, keep thou these Commandments, and thou shalt be above the wimps on the roads of other and lesser nations, amen.

No comments:

Post a Comment