This blog contains material I wrote and posted on between the years 2005 and 2011 only. It does not contain any new material. For newer writing, please check my main blog (Bill the Butcher).

Friday, 12 October 2012

Vampires For Today

Remember Count Dracula?

Back in the day, he was the ultimate in vampire chic, but this is the 21st Century. So, when your intrepid reporter Bill the Butcher went out checking modern vampires, it isn’t surprising that he found various alternative lifestyles among them. A few:

1.    The auto vampire: This is the truly benevolent vampire who wouldn’t, quite literally, hurt a fly. She (it’s almost always a female) cuts herself regularly, sucks her own blood and nourishes herself from it.

2.    The symbiotic vampire: This subtype always operates in pairs, and usually in mated pairs. Sometimes there is an overlap with the lesbian vampire (see below). Only a shade less non-violent than the auto vampire, the members of a symbiotic vampire pair drink each other’s blood and molest nobody else.

3.    The lesbian vampire: This vampire typically seldom to never bites anyone. She specializes in bedding menstruating women and performs oral sex on them, licking up their menstrual blood. To be found hanging around at lesbian clubs where they exist. (A male version exists but usually cannot find enough menstruating partners consume enough blood from cunnilingus alone, so may have to bite.)

4.    The health conscious vampire, type 1: You know he or she is about to bite you when he or she (a) asks for a blood test report and (b) puts a condom over his or her teeth. Not even a vampire wants AIDS. 

5.    The health conscious vampire, type 2: Will only bite healthy, free-range, outdoorsy humans with excellent physique and no history of narcotic or steroid use.

6.    The snob vampire: Will only suck “blue blood.” You’re safe as long as you’re a commoner.

7.    The sporting vampire: Gives his victims ten seconds’ head start before running them down.

8.    The “vegetarian” vampire: Buys blood from slaughterhouses, blood banks, professional blood donors or any other source so that he or she doesn’t have to do any actual biting. Thinks himself or herself a moral cut above the rest.

9.    The my-hands-are-clean vampire: Prefers to pay other vampires to collect blood from victims and pass it on to him or her. 

And, last but not the least

10.    The Bill the Butcher vampire: After interviewing so many of them, you didn’t imagine Bill got away unscathed, do you?     

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